You might be curious as to why I decided to add one more voice to the cacophony of narratives we already wade through in the inter-web universe.
I can probably narrow the answer down to two reasons.
1) Someone tiny is changing our world as-we-know-it in a really, really big way. My husband, David, and I are (at the time of this writing) almost 6 months pregnant and anticipating a little person coming into the world who has several challenges it will face. We recently found out for sure that our baby has Down's syndrome, which doesn't change our love for our baby one iota. However, we know this will create some extra hurdles, as our baby is also faced with several heart defects that require surgery, and possible additional issues with its brain development. There are a lot of complex things happening in this one little person, so we are waiting to see how things grow and develop and whether the doctors think our wee one will be able to handle the surgery it requires or not. We are hopeful for miracles, healing, successful surgeries, and all the joys and struggles of adjusting to life with a new baby. And yet, we are mindful that our baby may not live very long if surgery is not an option. Whatever lies ahead, we are choosing to celebrate this little life while it is still with us, however long or short that may be.
So far, doing that has been an extremely painful, heart-wrenching and yet heart-filling journey. It is taking all we have, but we are doing our best to love our little baby we've nicknamed Tiny with all we've got, even though this doesn't make it any easier to face the reality of losing our baby. This fairly weird approach is not one we have been able to travel well without the aid of a loving God and a supportive crew of family & friends who are standing with us through it.
Personally, I find my greatest reflections come when I write them out. I do think I have some rather interesting thoughts from day to day, but I am (generally) a terrible verbalizer when asked to say my thoughts out loud. To put pen to paper comes naturally to me and so, while I'm processing this journey myself through my writing, I know it has been helpful to some who have been in our inner circle so far to have insight into what we are thinking and feeling. We've been sending out emails after each doctor's visit to keep our dearest ones in the loop with what's been going on. I plan for these emails to soon be published on this blog space as well, which brings me to the second reason...
2) We wanna be real. Social media is an incredible tool at our disposal, but it's also a deceiving mask we can don to hide the truth of the painful, gritty lives we all live. I don't aspire to mill about pretending my life is any better than it actually is. We live in a great country, we have fantastic people rooting for us, and we serve a really big God who amazes us all the time. We are truly and richly blessed. BUT, we are not immune to suffering and I'd hate to add to the perception that, as some have wrongfully assured us, "good people like us shouldn't go through bad things like this". Well, that's a lovely thought... But it straight up just ain't true. Fantastic people, faithful people, passionate people go through struggles all. the. time. And I suspect that what usually makes these people so fantastic is their honesty about what it's like to go through the tough things.
So yes, part of the goal here is just to say: yes, we are going through yucky stuff, but we are also gripping onto the truth that good things can and will come from this.
One of the things that helps me see through the misery of going through this is that perhaps in some way, we can bring hope to others. For the first few weeks, we were completely shocked that two 23 year-olds could be receiving news that our first baby was likely not to survive. I wrongly assumed that this kind of news is only given to women who have babies later in life. I hope that in some small way, I can openly and unashamedly bring light to the fact that these kinds of complications can happen to anyone. It can be isolating to feel like you are the only one going through something like this, but that just isn't true... There are so many women who have come out of the woodwork and told me of the babies they were told wouldn't make it, or the babies who are waiting for their parents up in heaven.
It bothers me that words like miscarriage are still used today (seriously, why is there not a less shame-inducing word for it out there yet?). It bothers me that so many women deal with their losses related to pregnancy alone, and I don't think there are enough truly safe spaces for conversation about the reality that this happens to a lot of ladies in our world. And it bothers me that these things are so rarely talked about that a lot of people have no clue how to respond when news like ours is shared with them.
So with that in mind, blogging felt like a good avenue to pursue to help keep our friends and family in the loop, but also possibly reach somebody out there who needs to hear that they are not alone.
So, follow along as much or as little as you like. Who knows how long I will continue to write specific to this journey and what comes from it, or where this tiny blog will go. I'm just trusting my instinct and the Holy Spirit to take this wherever and to whomever it needs to go.
This is my song for someone.
(I leave you with a favourite from "The Rockstar" as my Auntie Lu affectionately calls our beloved Bono).
